THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE, WITH EVERYONE THAT GOT MARRIED IN THE 90's.
Youngsters should learn to know how it was back then....Read on
The Great Bangladeshi Weddings of the 1990's!!!
The majority of one's life savings are spent on this one day, come Monday they will be down the Post Office claiming benefits.
Wedding cards read like a CV, containing every qualification the couple have acquired for example:
Mr & Mrs Miah would like to invite you to the marriage ceremony of their beloved eldest son: Dr Imtiaz Hassan Miah (Tipu). (MBBS, Bsc, LBB, A* in GCSE English, Maths Science) to the second daughter of Mr & Mrs Uddin: Mistress Halima Begum (Lubly) (Honours GD HS WFE, C in GCSE Health and Social Care). June Bridals prom dress on sale
Arranged marriage between two people who are related.
Throughout the whole precession the bride and groom do not look at each other or touch each other, unless they are guided to do so by a sister in law.
The compatibility of the bride and groom is discussed.
The bride is pretty, solely based on her skin colour.
Skin colour supercedes ALL other beauty features!!
Fair and lovely have reps at every wedding (I've seen them)
BRIDE: maroon sari, a gold shop, a HUGE hoop style nose ring
GROOM: cream sherwani, shades, mulla hat topped by a large hat, handkerchief in hand to retain a bit of modesty.
WOMEN: multi-coloured sequined sari, all the gold in the house and frizzy hair due to the absence of the GHD straightener
MEN: Burgundy/ Green/ Mustard suits (you know you love them)
GIRLS: pink puffy dress, pig tails, platform shoes
BOYS: curtain style hair watered down, typical black shirt, black trousers, white tie and white trainers (a trend which, believe it or not, still occurs today- its not cool, you look like a prat!!)
SMALL CHILDREN: run around causing havoc, well on their way to a successful career in trading herbs and spices (drugs) all because the parents are too engrossed in themselves to care!
School hall/ community centre
Fairy lights outside the house, plastic flowers galore, tinsel and coloured foil cut into stars and flowers. Silly string and party poppers.
Starters: 1 piece of tandoori chicken piece (I really want this back mmmm)
Main course: 3 dishes comprising of lamb, chicken and vegetable.
Gua (betel nuts) for the murobhis (elders)
2 litre bottles of coke per table. Purchased in bulk from the local cash and carry. Tap water served in jugs.
Plastic cups, plastic cutlery, paper plates, Maroon napkins.
Food not served by catering staff or waiters but sweaty uncles and male cousins.
EVERYONE and ANYONE the parents of the bride and groom have ever met including every member of their village
The couples school teachers.
Random white people who are all seated in one corner of the hall collectively, regardless of whether they know each other.
The number of White guests invited and in attendance is in direct correlation to the weddings credibility.
Food is served in at least two (possibly three) sittings due to sheer stupidity and someone's inability to count, despite the A* in GCSE Maths
Gate crashers- regardless of them being gate crashers they are related to at least four people in the hall. (the difficult life of a Bangladeshi gatecrasher)
There is always a new bride at the wedding dressed in her full wedding gear, gold included, trying to upstage the bride.
Toaster, clocks, microwave, kettle, iron (purchased from Argos or Woolworths)
The odd Dinner set.. or 10!
White limos decorated in red ribbon and plastic flowers and a coach if the bride lives far.
The man in the Merc was the don! Back in the days, when Bengali's were actually poor, no one drove a Merc.
Bride never raises her head and is lacking in all positive forms of emotions.
Lunch will be served at 1.30- LIES LIES LIES!!
Groom arrives 3 hours late
At the gate, the grooms party storms past, injuring several children, scenes reminiscent of battle scenes in Lord of The Rings.
Gate sign 'No money no honey' demanding ridiculous amounts of money (£20,000) but getting 50 quid (if you're lucky).
Even if it is the greatest wedding ever someone will complain (Bengali's are not happy if they are not complaining).
Most of the guests leave STRAIGHT after the food has been served, obviously that's the main reason people go to weddings, duh!
Time for Salami where the bride and groom are forced to salaam the murobies by touching their feet as they receive money or second hand gold. If a guest does not give salami or the couple refuse to fow thori (feet touching) salaam all hell breaks loose.
The Bride and Groom are force fed milk and mishti (sweets) and the bride shyly turns her head as her bhabi moves her arms in order for her to feed her husband and put a maala on him.
At the end of the wedding Bride cries hysterically and then faints and is picked up and carried to the limo by her uncle.
The ratio of attractive females to males is 10:1 (that's more attractive females than males- not always though..)
Teenage boys and girls make frequent trips to the toilet claiming that they are going to 'freshen up' when in fact they are going to check out the talent ie fit guys and girls.
There is always someone who wears something controversial either a man who deviates from the burgundy, green or mustard suit or a woman with a sleeveless blouse!!! (usually an Indian neighbour)
Once the Bride and Groom have left and the guests are leaving too, young boys sneak bottles of coke under their coats and leave.
Recorded on video NOT DVD
There is always one guest, usually male, who thinks its funny to move the spoon away everytime he goes to feed the bride/groom. Not funny.
In the Mendhi section of the film there is the typical sequence where the bride opens her hand to reveal her beautiful henna patterned palms but much to our surprise pops out a red gulap fuul (red rose) or even better, a picture of the groom smiling shamelessly.
Contains randomly scattered shots of the Taj Mahal, Niagara falls, the Himalayas and plenty of flowers.
Has the best songs, none of this "lets disco, yeah baby yeah" crap of today!
The bride and groom as well as the guests are repeatedly shown in a kaleidoscope effect.. fancy!
There is at least 30mins of footage containing the car journey to the hall, usually scenes of a motorway journey.
Elderly Bangladeshi women tend to hide their faces with the scarves because of shorum (modesty) and everyone else pretends to sip water as the cameraman pans their table whilst they are eating.
Pretty girls who are of no relation to the couple constantly appear on video because the cameraman fancies them.
The Wedding film ends with a cheesy message with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors closely resembling the following
'We Wish you happy life' 'This is the beginning or yuor life'
A good wedding film including the Mendhi, Wedding and Walima can last upto 4 (possibly 5) hours!
Following the wedding night the bride is interrogated, no questions are sacred, EVERYTHING is asked!
The bride is expected to cut a fish which weighs more than she does, with a daa (cutting instrument)
...without any previous manual handling training.